It is extraordinary how one can string a line of musical notes together and imbue them with happiness, love, hatred and distain. Music can make us see the beauty in all things and yet in an instant have that very stunning sense of serenity destroyed and turned to dust with just a change in a few notes.
Sitting here listening to music of my youth and those long before my existence was even conceived, it amazes me how the human condition can be summed up in a symphony or opera and in a lesser respect in this modern age with a music video…
I toggle between songs of love and contempt, where in one instance the clouds open up and the heavens expose and in another moment the ground splits in twine and hell rises from the terra in a burst of apocalyptic fire. So I ask myself why? Why torture myself with such extremes? Why create such a great chasm bridged by nothing but thorns? This is something I do not know…
I feel the war brewing in my head, the one where my sanity and insanity fight for control, this constant tug of war for the great prize that is my mind. I sit outside myself uncaring of the victor, not even focused on the battle but looking at my soul like Arch Angel Gabriel sitting on the sideline awaiting the end of the war of the angels to side with the conquerors. I wonder about my soul, does he exist or is here merely a figment of my imagination. It is a way to explain when emotions builds to a crescendo, or when there is no emotion at all?? There are times I wish I knew for a fact he didn’t exist…. Then I would feel nothing.
Thus we come back to music, the idea of the soul is not just a figment of one’s imagination but a very truth that we all need to realize whether we like it or not. For we look at music… How could one listen to such epic god like depictions of beauty such as The Ninth Symphony by Beethoven, or Mozart’s Requiem and believe there is no soul? Those of us who live so closely to our hearts are masochists in the deepest fashion, we patch our scarred heart with the songs of life then tear those patches off with notes of aggression when we cannot feel, only so that in that moment we can feel something no matter how brutal and animalistic it can be. Music does this for us……..
The past many months have been less then easy and sadly it continues to compile. I wonder when it will end, when I will be released from the stresses that plague me. When will I have the chance to take life by the balls and make it mine… I have been close to an edge that I used to fear to tread but these days I lament for that feeling. Even the sadness that dwells with the devils tease is better than a soulless depression.
This piece is not meant to be mournful or melancholy, it is music that brings out our deepest emotions and it is words that bring those emotions to light. God and the Devil sit in my shoulders pulling those strings as hard as they can. One plays tunes of grace and the other aggression. I love them both but then again like so many others I am an emotional masochist. So the question is who will win?? At this moment, I don’t know and I don’t care.. I will just sit back and enjoy the battle..
I will leave this post on a positive note, I will always see life as there is hope just over the horizon, it could be as big as a mountain or small as a pebble and piece by piece I will collect these pieces until I have enough to make a future as bright as the sun…. Lets hope it comes quickly…
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